I've been lying awake in my bed the entire night. No exaggeration.
Can't go into details for fear of breaking confidences but yesterday evening had the singular worst blogging experience since I began here 6 years ago - and I'll be carrying a weight around inside for at least a few days until it hopefully dissolves, but it'll surely leave scars.
During the night, with thoughts whizzing here, there and all over the place, had made up my mind to close down the Raybeard blog permanently, as well as blocking e-mails from all my blog-pals. Now in the cool light of day I've put that plan on hold as being unlikely, as I'm now possibly better placed to get the whole incident into proportion. The other person involved in this calamity may actually read this blog and, could, in fact be suffering as much as I am, or even more, so I'm going to halt any burgeoning appeals for sympathy.
Even my dear little Blackso, maybe sensing that something was not quite as it should be, unusually refrained from coming into bed with me, until around 5 a.m. Before then he was sleeping and snoring in the living room. I would so have appreciated the comfort of his presence throughout the long night.
To cap it all, I've just returned from a visit to the doctor's surgery to have blood taken for examination. My doctor thinks I may be my exhibiting the early symptoms of nascent diabetes. Results will take a few days, but if it turns out to be so, that's all I need!
Some individuals here in this situation may have wanted to crack open the virgin bottle of J.D. I have in the kitchen, but I'm not inclined to do that, at least not yet. (When my mum had reached the stage when she was thought likely to go at any time, 7 years ago, I kept such a bottle of 'support' for when the time actually arrived. But when it did I just didn't feel like drinking. In fact don't think I had any strong drink until after the funeral 10 days later, and that was only in moderation.)
I've got a pre-purchased ticket for an afternoon showing of Clint Eastwood's latest, 'J.Edgar' today. Don't know how I'm going to keep awake for all of its 2hours 20 mins length.
Also, have to finish off the entry I should write into the book accompanying the Spo-shirt, which is being transferred onwards tomorrow. What I write really ought to be in an up-beat mood, and that is how I've started it. But the way I'm feeling right now it'll be more like a clown wearing a painted smile whilst crying on the inside.
Btw: It would have meant so much if a particular one or two of the previous wearers of the Spo-shirt had at least written a comment under my blog of 2 days ago. I was so much thinking that it had clad their own bodies when I had it on myself. But maybe they haven't seen my blog, have nothing in particular to add - or, as I suspect, their social lives are too busy. But I think of them with affection anyway.
Oh dear, all this self-pity sounds horrible!
Going back now to slide under the duvet and hope that the good god Morpheus grants me maybe a couple of hours of restful shut-eye 'cos, boy, could I do with it!
Oh, I hope you have enjoyed at least a couple of hours of blissful sleep and that you're already feeling a bit better. So, so sorry for what you're going through. But I'm especially grateful you had the wherewithal to NOT shut down the Raybeard blog. I've enjoyed getting to know you through what you share and am also so grateful for your kindness and empathy (and attention) regarding what I write. Your presence has enriched my life this past year!
ReplyDeleteThat's such valuable thing to hear from you, Mitch. I cherish your kind words.
ReplyDeleteFeels like I'm in a daze. Unfortunately still did not manage to sleep one iota, and now will shortly leave to see 'J.Edgar'. Even if I manage to stay awake I fear my thoughts will be elsewhere.
But thank you so much, my friend.
Ray, I'm really horrified that you are having to endure such an awful situation. I'm really happy you aren't going to shut down your blog. I'd really miss you. It is a great space for so many people. We share so many interests and you are very laid back and down to earth. No ego. That's refreshing whether you are online or offline. Take care of yourself and keep us in the loop.
ReplyDeleteThank you very much, Kyle. It's people like you that have made me decide to stay.
DeleteRight now I feel like my head is going to explode and I could really do without things like this. It's at such times that I wish I had a thicker skin and could shrug the whole thing off. But I can't.
Bless you for being there, Kyle - and I still love your blogs even though I only comment on a few of them. Keep posting, please, my friend.
I, too, am glad you aren't shutting down. I think you need the outlet that the blog provides, as a sort of therapy.
ReplyDeletePut things out there, read them, reread them, and then maybe see clearer.
Bob, your kinds words mean a lot to me. If I didn't have the available contact and support of friends like you I feel I'd be going mad - like I ALMOST feel right now.
DeleteBut you're right. When one doesn't have a single (human) friend in the whole world then these blogs are a vital outlet for one's feelings. In fact for me they are the ONLY outlet.
My gratitude goes to you, Bob. Thank you ever so much.
Did my snake venom hurt you? I'll bite you gently next time :)
ReplyDeleteCan't wait to see you in Spo's shirt of shirt. Cheers!
Thanks very much, Tai. My Spo-shirt blog was actually posted the day before yesterday, if you want to go there. I'm extremely interested to know what you think and hope that I don't disappoint.
ReplyDeleteBtw: I don't think you'd ever bite nastily. I see you curled up cosily around.....well, whoever is your friend at the time.
Hello Ray:
ReplyDeleteWe are so very distressed to read this and can only imagine that you received something hurtful on your blog. Please do not let that dissuade you from posting as you have so much of interest to write about and share with others. We should miss you dreadfully if you decided never to write again.
Your posts are always thoughtful, well considered and immensely readable. You are knowledgeable about so many things with which we share an interest too. You make light of your difficulties and a dry sense of humour often runs through your words. You are a Blogstar, Ray, wear your Spo-shirt with pride!!
Thanks so much, J & L. Just for accuracy's sake it wasn't an actual blog or even a comment on it, rather a 'connection'. That's puzzling, I know, but if you'll excuse me I'll not go into detail as I'm trying to put the experience behind me, and there are signs I might be succeeding.
DeleteIn the light of day the idea of closing down seems absurd and unnecessarily O.T.T. When the thought came to me I was in a fed-up mood and just wanted to curl up under the blankets and let the world go by. But the following day (yesterday) I saw again the value that blogs have to offer. So, rest assured, that the idea os off the agenda now - and I hope it stays off.
It's funny how other people's observations of oneself never seem to accord with one's own. I never thought for a minute that they would qualify for the praise you lavish on me at the start of your second para, above. And I have for a long time (all my life, in fact) had people saying that my sense of humour is 'dry'. Maybe it is, but I can't see it. That's just the way it comes out.
But your words are appreciated maybe more than you know, J & L. Thank you.
I'm guilty of not commenting on your shirt blog sooner, but in my defense, I did have a crazy ass weekend and held the post until I had time to sit and respond properly. I hope we've established a connection enough for you to know I wouldn't just let that pass without commenting at some point.
ReplyDeleteI have had one or two devastating moments connected to my blog world which made me want to stop blogging and disappear. I'm glad I didn't. No one has the right to silence our voices and the greatest show of strength is to keep going no matter what is thrown at you. I hope you find some sense of closure to whatever shook you so and whoever felt the need to make you feel this way goes far away and stays there. You have always been an amazing source of support and compliment to me and you need to stick around so i can hopefully catch up some day and return some of what you've given me.
Hugs.
(Any idea why your blog doesn't allow me to post a comment using my wordpress or openID identities? I hate commenting under blogger/gmail because it doesn't link back to my blog! Not that that's your fault...I'm just saying....)
S/b, I'm grateful for your words. I know very well how busy you are - and feel a bit mean about making reference to absence of certain comments. Let's just say that when I said that I was inhabiting a 'lower level' than I am right now - after having had a good night's sleep, thanks to a little help from an over-the-counter purchase at a chemist - or do you say 'drugstore' or 'pharmacy' over there?
DeleteYou are one of at least three fellow bloggers whom I follow who have these 'dark periods', certainly more intense than anything I go through, from the sound of it. I wouldn't be surprised to read that there are even more of my fellow bloggers with this particular 'feature' of their lives.
So for that reason alone I am doubly thankful to you for coming out with those kind words. I thank you a great deal, S/b.
As for connection back to your own blog, I've just tried it, and, unfortunately I see that you are right. I'm nowhere near as au-fait about computers as others are, but (maybe it needs a simple mind like mine) I see that your link comes up with 'PROFILE not found'. Have you tried re-setting your connection with the actual blog address? I don't know what they call it, but mine is http://raybeard.blogspot.com So do you have one that is equivalent to mine but is different from your profile identifier? That's all I can come up with at the moment. I suppose you've already tried it, but just in case you haven't it might be a thought. If it still won't work I'll keep thinking.
Dear me!
ReplyDeleteI am saddened to hear you are feeling so badly. I hope this passed and you are not feeling so blue and down. That is the best thing about these nasty times; they pass.
Hang in there; and do not shut down the blog!!!
Thanks to you too, Dr Spo. The thought about shutting down came in the dark of night in one of those "that'll teach em!" moments which, later, seem quite immature. So I have ditched that idea - and only hope it doesn't resurrect itself again. I know it'd hurt me much more than my blog-followers.
DeleteYes, I know such times do pass. I couldn't help wondering if my roller-coaster of emotions had anything to do with the presence of the Spo-shirt. Before the weekend it was euphoria all the way, with the thought of possessing it for a while. But no, I can't believe such a dazzling, snazzy garment would have a baleful influence, so let's pulp that suggestion.
Thanks again, Dr Spo - the only way is up - and I've started rising!
I'll add my voice to the chorus! Hope you're feeling better and glad you're not shutting down. I'm just getting to know you!
ReplyDeleteGrateful for your concern, Walt. No, the 'threat' of disappearing has now receded. I hope it's not going to be a possibility again.
DeleteIndeed, it would have only added to the tragedy were I to have lost contact with you so soon after making 'acquaintance'.
Your kind thoughts are much appreciated.
It looks like Blogger will let me comment today, after refusing me access to your last three posts.
ReplyDeleteI've recently gone through a similar experience(not as a result of a blogpost, but internet correspondence) and it is hurtful. So, I know where you're coming from. We go through a lot of s***t in real life and as the British say: "Keep a stiff upper lip."
Regarding your frame-of-mind, I'd be interested to know how you made out with "J> Edgar"
Thanks, Paul. Actually my experience was more similar to yours than I'd indicated. For me too it didn't arise from anything said on anyone's blog, mine or theirs. I'll not say any more as it seems to have started blowing over now, and I'm feeling a bit more resigned to it having been just one of the ups and DOWNs of life that we all go through.
DeleteI'd actually wondered why you hadn't (apparently) made any comment on particular blogs of mine when I knew a certain subject touches you as much as it does me. Great shame that it was outside your control. I'll have to keep going back to older blogs even more than I do now just in case you managed to 'get through' belatedly.
'J. Edgar' - well, I managed to stay awake the whole time, but was it really worth it? I didn't think it was anything really special. Although Leonardo is a good actor I didn't think he was well cast for this role. I kept looking for him under the aged Hoover's rubber prosthetic face, which was all too conspicuous - and those for the Clyde Tolson character in advanced senility looked just bizarre. I don't know if you ever so 'The Texas Chain Saw Massacre'(1975 version), but this chap kept reminding me of that grotesque-looking grandpa at the dinner table, right on the edge of death. This Tolson looked already embalmed!
I kept feeling that the film ought to have been more interesting than it was - especially coming from the expert hands of Eastwood, but it didn't grab me - certainly not as much as that film (late 70s?) with Broderick Crawford as Hoover and, I think, Dan Dailey as Tolson. I thought that was a good film, but haven't seen it since. (I forget what the actual title was.)
So, have YOU yourself seen 'J.Edgar'? I do hope what I've said hasn't pit you off, but it maybe a worthwhile watch when it comes to TV.
Oh, although I was expecting it, it was still a bit odd seeing the venerable Judi Dench as the homophobic Hoover mater.
End of review.
Thanks, Paul - and 'bye for now.
Good news, Paul. I've just found out that the film I so regretted having missed - 'The Deep Blue Sea - is coming to this very town in 12 days time for a one-off matinee showing. Oh, rejoice!
DeleteBtw: I'd give 'J.Edgar' a score of 5/10 - as against 7.5 for 'The Iron Lady' and an 8 (a rare score from me), for the film I saw yesterday - 'Hugo' even though it was a 2-D showing. An excellent film.
Most people share your opinion of "J. Edgar." However, after reading your thoughts, I went to Greg's blog (greginhollywood.com) and he was outraged that Leonardo was snubbed by the Oscars.
DeleteA little envious of your going to see "The Deep Blue Sea." I don't think it ever played here, which is strange since this is the capital city of New York State. If it did, it came and went so fast just like "J. Edgar." I guess I'll have to wait for the DVDs to be released or VOD.
Tomorrow, I'm going to see Michael Fassbender in "Shame." And yes, I'll admit it, it's for the full frontals.
Hope "The Deep Blue Sea" doesn't disappoint. Please post your thoughts.
At last! I can comment again too! I hope that you're feeling better now too! I was so mad that I couldn't comment on any of your recent posts, especially the Spo-shirt one! Damn Blogger! Grrr! ;)
ReplyDeleteI thank you for those thoughts, T.C. Really good to see you here - and I look forward to more of your apercus.
DeleteI haven't yet looked again at my Spo-shirt blog, but if you haven't yet commented, it's never too late.....
Hope your here to stay now.
Hope you're feeling better. Just to let you know - I've been in the same predicament. Perhaps the cause was different, but I can remember feeling a pit in my stomach for several days because I offended a fellow blogger. Now we're good friends, so it wasn't the end of the world as it seemed at the time.
ReplyDeleteHope you feel better soon. Glad you didn't shut down the blog.
Thanks very much indeed, NewLeaf. Yes, it IS getting better - slowly. I think it's part of the human condition to go through patches like this. The VAST majority of people survive and I'm determined to be one of them - and even without closing down my blogs.
ReplyDeleteA feeling in the pit of the stomach is exactly right. I feel I'm carrying round a weight within me but it is getting lighter though it may never completely go away. Let's just put it down to a useful but of 'character development.!
I appreciate your visit here and your thoughtful comments a great deal. Thank you, my friend.
Maybe one over thinks things from time to time. Sometimes it is better to let the ink dry on the words and the dust to settle before thinking it over. I'm glad you are keeping the blog up and running, as well you should.
ReplyDeleteThanks very much, Jase. What you say is right but one also has to be ever so cautious of those thoughts that come in the still of the night. Mine rarely look sensible when examined by daylight.
ReplyDeleteOh lord, what happened?! I feel so terrible for you in reading this. I hope you and the other can work it our and get this resolved.
ReplyDeleteThanks ever so much for that thought, Cubby. It's (practically) all behind me now and I don't want to rake over the coals. I'm resolved not to re-visit the subject, at least unless there are special reasons for doing so, which as at now looks unlikely. Very grateful for your concern.
DeleteI trust you get things sorted out, Ray... and if not, that you get through it stronger.
ReplyDeleteI'm extremely grateful for your kind words, Andrew. Life is moving on nicely and, though we always hope we can come through adverse circumstances stronger, there always seems to be something else down the line, perhaps completely different, that knocks the stuffing out of one. One of life's features, I suppose - and I'm pretty sure that you yourself have not been or will be immune to these adversities.
ReplyDeleteI think by now this subject of mine has stretched beyond safety point and it's going to snap and whip me in the face if I keep on going on about it. Besides, if you've seen my more recent blog and postings you'll gather that I'm back on the rails. Touched by your feelings. Thank you, my friend.