Sun. 15.30.
In a bad way once more, and I'd guess that it's near terminal now.
Can't walk at all, legs failing in all directions. He can't even sit. Have to carry him to litter tray and hold him upright while he does his business, then carry him back to kitchen top where he's currently lying and trying to sleep. Looking confused as though he doesn't recognise his home and doesn't seem to recognise me, even while I'm stroking him and whispering his name - and when my 'waterworks' opened up fully. I'm wishing he'd now just slip away peacefully rather than having to take him to the vet in the morning with him having to face the physical ordeal of it and my hearing the practically inevitable suggestion. Sad beyond measure - and, yes, I'm fully aware that most of us have to go through this and that my pain is no greater than anyone else's. Still hurts like hell though.
If I may indulge in one more justification for spilling out my emotions. Apart from you, dear blogpals, I have no one else in the world to talk to about it. Some of you may well be in the same position, I don't know. But if there's not only me who's alone we are definitely in a minority.
My sister, now 79 and a three-times over great-grandmother, is sympathetic, bless her, but (possibly arising from her steadfast Catholicism) when it comes towards compassion for suffering, she's one who puts animals a distant second to humans, even if their plight is human-induced. They are far more precious to me than that and I know that a lot of you will know what I mean.
I'm grateful more than anything for everybody's moving and kind thoughts and concerns. There's really no need to comment any more here, at least not until I post again tomorrow about what happened.
Thank you from my sad and tormented self, dear friends.
41 minutes ago
Oh, no. I'm so sorry. I've been in almost exactly the same situation with an elderly cocker spaniel that was my first real doggy love. I wish I could give you a big hug.
ReplyDeleteWould it be possible for your vet to make a house call? Sometimes vets here will do that if it's one of their long time patients to make things easier on everyone. Just a thought.
There's one other thing I wanted to say to you. When there was no hope of my cocker spaniel getting any better, and he was in pain, my vet at the time told me that a peaceful, easy passing was the one last thing I could do for him. A good dog (or cat) deserves to be helped beyond pain and distress. As hard as it was, I knew he was right and that I owed it to my dog to do that one last thing for him. I was at peace with it after that, not that it made it hurt any less.
I'll be holding you both close in my thoughts today. ❤
Your words are a great comfort, Jennifer. I've got to think of Blackso's welfare more than my own, not force him to endure further pain because of my feelings.
DeleteThe vet is actually only just round the corner, 5 mins walk away, so at least carrying him there'll be quick. What I don't want to hear tomorrow is that they can restore him to 'functioning' but it'll cost more money than I've got, which is very little indeed, believe me, living as I do day to day, without any ability to indulge in 'luxuries' - well, apart from the cinema once or twice a week. But I truly am skint. Even if I had money, it would all be for what? Perhaps another year or two? (Though if I really DID have the resources then even for that short extra time I would definitely do it.)
Because I know how emotionally involved I get with animals I've purposely not kept any pet myself since I was a boy, when our family went through several cats and one dog. My parents deciding to have the then 15-year old toothless dog, Candy, put to sleep took the heart out of me, and the scars have been there ever since.
When I moved to my current flat in 2000, the already adult Blackso who lived down the road took a fancy to me whenever I passed and eventually followed me, waiting outside till I took him in - and he's been here since that day, despite efforts to take him back to his then proper home (where there were several other cats). The owners weren't too bothered with having one of them taken off their hands. My two other residents, Noodles and Patchie, came to me the same way, though both from different houses.
I've just had to interrupt my comments here to take Blackso to his litter tray, where he's just done a wee. I could see he was getting restless. But this time he managed to sit up by himself. He's right now back on the kitchen top, washing himself, trying to keep himself looking respectable, dear heart. If he's looking in a mended state tomorrow morning it's going to make taking him to the vet even more difficult than it already is, and I just won't dare to make the dreadful decision if called for.
I'll let you and all know.
Thanks yet again for your thoughts. They mean more to me than you can possibly guess.
:`(
ReplyDeletedear little blackso, you are a treasure to your daddy. we all love you so. it breaks our hearts to see you in such discomfort.
He knows it, W.Q. I've told him so many times and he really is grateful to you - as am I.
DeleteI don't expect to be getting much sleep tonight. Just got to take things as they come.
I'll give you the news tomorrow no matter which way it goes.
Ray my heart is breaking here for you as well. Poor kitty.
ReplyDeleteThanks Sol. It didn't turn out as I feared - yet. Do please see my next posting.
DeleteYes, I have all been there and it is never very easy. They become our family and friends and loyal companions who never want anything from us except to be loved and cared for. I hope and wish good thoughts for you both. I went through the same thing with several dogs and one cat. All passed on their own and quick, except with my cat Starbotty. She was in a similar situation as Blackso, for days, and I just couldn't take seeing it anymore. I finally made the decision to let the vet see her. The hardest decision I ever had to make, and only then because it was evident she was in deep pain and discomfort. It's just never easy Raybeard. But I will send thoughts and peaceful vibes...continuing.
ReplyDeleteSo very grateful for your very kind words, M.M. Situation now been superceded by my next blog so I'm breathing just a bit easier for the time being - though for how long? Meanwhile I'll pack your thoughts and vibes in a parcel and keep them close at hand. I'll very likely be needing them again on a not too distant day.
DeleteDear Ray, it is so hard. Dear little Blackso, you both are lucky to have each other. My heart is weeping for you, Ray, I know what it's like. I too get so very emotionally involved with my animals and it is for that reason that when my little dog died 18 months ago I decided no more animals for me. I am sending good vibes to you from far away.
ReplyDeleteWe were crying together, Judith, though as you can see from my blog of a few minutes ago our tears were premature, though they'll surely be needed in time.
DeleteWhen Blackso and the other two 'go' I also am saying "No more pets!", but they do keep insisting in moving in with me and I'm too much of a softie to deny them. I'll have to toughen myself up inside, but fat chance I'll manage it!
Thanks yet again for your thoughts and expending some of your own emotional time on me and my friend.
Oh Ray, I am so very sorry to hear that dear little Blackso has not improved. My heart goes out to you. {{{{Hugs}}}} to you both.
ReplyDeleteAn unexpected turn of events, Rozzie, which I'm not sure is welcome or not, depending on how things go over the next few days. But as at now, I'm relieved that I don't have to go through the complete mill, at least not yet.
DeleteIt is not betrayal, it is love, but that doesn't make you feel any better. I'm glad that you are getting blogland support. Anyone who has truly loved an animal knows how deep the pain goes. Supporting you from a distance. Love to both.
ReplyDeleteThanks ever so much, Elaine. I'm going to find it very difficult to live with myself when the time comes to give the nod for the ultimate solution, though I do know exactly what you mean and that you are right.
DeleteGrateful to you for your express and very valued support.
Hi Raybeard, I read Sol's link and then moved here to see how things are going. What an awful few days for you. I am sending you both some seriously soothing thoughts. Stay strong, he needs it right now.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Tracy. Such thoughts are never wasted and I take much gratification in wrapping them around Blackso.
DeleteI could do with this mental respite which you can read about from my posting of this morning. The last few exhausting days have taken their toll and added to the whiteness of my beard, as well as giving Blackso himself a few more white whiskers among the black. A bit apprehensive about the future but at least the immediate pressure is not so intense.
Very many thanks once more.