Tuesday, 24 May 2011

An open letter to GOD.

Dear Almighty Being,
I hope that Thou willst look kindly on this little missive written by myself, an humble homo.
In recent days we've been hearing much of Thy purported intention to bring an imminent end to life on earth. I must say at the outset that since this planet has existed for some 4.500,000,000 years (minimum) - though according to 'The Holy Book', some interpret this figure to be erroneous, and that the actual age of the earth is less than 10,000 years, with human beings and prehistoric creatures existing simultaneously, (Alas, I'm not knowledgeable enough to argue with any expertise on the subject, but I do know which possibility is the more likely!) - I do feel privileged to be alive (for the moment) at this particularly auspicious time.
Now we've heard from Thy disciple, Mr Camping, who freely admits that he erred in his forecast date, but that the 'end' will now definitely occur on October 21st this year. I must express my gratitude that Thou hast kindly spared us the previously-promised five months of agony and terrorised anguish leading up to this apocalyptic date. Oh, the frailty of our human condition in making mistakes! Unlike Thee, Almighty Sir, Thou hast bequeathed fallibility to all of us - that is to all except for our Holy Father, Thy universally-revered, Pope Benedict, appointed by Thyself through Thy Divine inspiration to our noble, gracious and eminent body of Cardinals. Although Thy Supreme Pontiff is infallible only when he deigns to speak to us ex cathedra, I accept that with that singular august exception we are continuously at the mercy of human error.
Now I appreciate that I have never displayed adequate contrition for my grievously sinful past. Indeed, I have at times absolutely revelled in my indulgence of a certain 'unnatural' activity which comes so easily to me. I know that, along with eating shellfish, wearing garments of differing weaves or materials, children being disobedient to their parents (and many other such heinous crimes committed against Thine eternally-wise strictures), all of which deserve the just and ultimate penalty of death, I have frequently participated in 'abominations of the flesh'. Indeed so many times have I performed such acts that I cannot recall more than a fraction of them. And it gets even worse. Even if 'love' or 'affection' could ever be used as a mitigation of such activities (which, of course, they can NOT, in any circumstances) it wouldn't apply in so many instances of my life where the entire motivation was to experience pleasure. And it gets yet still worse. I have committed these acts of abomination even with strangers - men (yes, all MEN) whose names I didn't even know either before or after this utterly disgraceful conduct. I'm assuming that I am correct in thinking that whenever Thou decideth to pull the curtain down, I shall be destined to reside in Hell-fire for EVERMORE, because of my sinful ways.
But it would behove me ill to implore Thy forgiveness. The simple truth is that I am NOT sorry. Thou hast created me as a mirror of Thine own unparalleled, ineffable goodness, and I am merely following the dictates of my nature - yes, nature - in doing what I feel I want to within this pathetic mortal shell of flesh and bone. My rule of thumb has always been - "As long as it's not hurting anyone else who is not party to the particular actions one makes or decisions one takes then there's nothing wrong with it".

Just one final point, if I may, please. If Thou really art going to ring the death knell of this wonderful planet which Thou, in Thine infinite wisdom, didst create, willst Thou please quit piss-farting around and just fucking DO IT!
Yours faithfully,
Your humble, arse-licking (mmmm!), homo servant,

P.S. Any chance of sending a hairy (male) hunk in my direction? Ideally aged 30-50 and preferably 'uncut' - though I won't quibble too much about the latter.


  1. Bravo! I mean, Amen!
    Would it be wrong to tell you my cock got hard reading this? Especially the part about the arse-licking.
    Oh, and did you know I fall into that age range? Just sayin'

  2. Now, now Cubby! I don't wish to know about the efficiency of your erectile tissue, thank you very much - nor that it's apparently so easy to get you aroused. But now that you've volunteered the info we'll have to see how we can satisfy you in like manner in future blogs.
    As for your being the hunk which I'm praying that the Good Lord will deliver to my doorstep, I'm not sure that, at the moment at least, you qualify as being 'hairy', do you? Now if you can manage to coax out and brandish a full beard before D-day of Oct 21st, I'll put you down for serious consideration. ;-)

  3. Awww, you totally deflated my balloon. I'm incapable of growing a full beard. There are large areas of my face where no hair grows. My little Van Dyke is the best I can muster. *Hangs head in shame*

  4. If it helps, Cubby, I have committed a good many of the 'abominations' I refer to with totally clean-shaven guys, though not quite as many as with hirsuted ones. However, as the day approaches when the Good Lord is due to pull the plug, I doubt if we can all afford to be so picky. So, never say die! (Oh dear, maybe that's not quite the right phrase, but you get my meaning.)

  5. Oh I thought you meant it otherwise.

    You see I've partaken of the sins of the flesh a couple of times - coz you see I understood that was with women.

    Maybe I've got it wrong but I thought fucking around with men was probably therefore OK. I mean - god is a 'he' and so's his 'son' and the 'holy ghost' is never claimed to be a woman as far as I know, so presumably god is pretty happy either fucking around with two other guys.

    So we're in the clear, mate!

  6. Interesting interpretation, Micky, but it's doubtful if many would agree with it. Would that it were the case. But, like you, I don't lose any sleep over my 'adventures'. In fact the only thing I regret is that I haven't had more of them.
    Yes, the question of the sex of the Holy Ghost is fascinating, given that the 'Son' was definitely male (one assumes) and the 'Father' has his sex pre-defined by his title. But, as you say, the third member of the Holy Trinity can only be male, epicene or neuter; certainly not female. Well, how could Christianity possibly tolerate that notion?