I've always found difficulty in living in the presence of others - and, I admit, a significant part of that is the ever-present fear of being hurt by them. Consequently as long as I can recall I feel more comfortable in being alone, or in the company of animals, neither of whom have the power to hurt. At the same time I'm aware that an extensive range of life has been missed out on, foremost being the capacity and satisfaction of sharing experiences, and that definitely is to be regretted. However I'm getting increasingly apprehensive that it may not be very long now before I become physically less able to see do everything for myself - shopping, washing, cleaning etc. It may be that the time I fear is yet some years away, but come it will. It would now be so nice to have someone emotionally close who is at a similar stage in life and whose support would be mutually reassuring, not necessarily physically here all the time but available when needed.
The word 'loner' these days carries such negative connotations. It has come to be seen as, at best, unhealthy and suspicious, or at worst, just plain creepy. (Only today in the news, a suspected serial killer of prostitutes is described as being a 'loner'. Similarly, so many of those convicted of downloading under-age porn, or even actually carrying out sexual assaults on children, are given the same epithet.) Yet I can only be truly happy and relaxed when alone. I hardly ever feel 'lonely' in the sense of desiring company, which I know would only give rise to stresses and anxieties about what that person is thinking and may say to me. Simultaneously (and ridiculously?) before I say anything to that person I will be trying to weigh up the effect of my own words in advance, in order to avoid offending them - the curious result of this 'tightrope act' being that my words will sometimes come out gauchely and give rise to the very effect that I'd been trying so assiduously to avoid - which in turn would cause yet further anguish to myself. I'd then think "What's the point? Better to retreat back into my shell where I can't hurt others and they can't hurt me."
I so much envy those I know, particularly in these blogs, who are managing to live with others. Not so much because of their partners per se, but more in that they have been able to make adjustments to and compromises in their own lives in order to achieve a fulfilment far superior to what it would have been had they remained single. Makes me realise with some sharpness that the defect is in my own psyche - but I suspected that all along.
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