Friday 9 October 2009

An odd and very scary fantasy situation.

I've always suffered from a certain degree of vertigo, though not so acute as to be disabling. A few nights ago I had this thought during the 'twilight' period in bed just before one actually drops off into sleep - and it's been haunting me ever since.
A thin pillar-like structure rises so high that it dwarfs all surrounding buildings, even nearby skyscrapers. At the very top there is a tiny platform about 2-foot square. I am standing on it. There are no barriers. I am unsupported and unharnessed. (In the irrationality of dream-like situations, there is no indication of how I came to be up there.) I'm frozen in fear, yet fighting the overwhelming desire to throw myself off because of the feeling that it's just not right that there should be this huge distance from myself and the ground - and I'm actually conscious of a 'moral obligation' to close the gap. I daren't even sit down with my legs dangling over the edge as, apart from falling off myself, I'm afraid one of my shoes would come off and drop down into the immeasurable depths! Meantime as I stand paralysed into inaction this desire to eject myself manifests as an infuriating itching, specifically at the base of the spine and also between balls and bum-hole. Heart is thudding like a Zulu drum. How long can I hold out? I can foresee the acute relief that I would feel the moment I stepped off. The thought of the bliss of being released from this tension is overpowering. The open-endedness of the situation precludes any conclusion. Even now I'm still up there.
I'm wondering if there are others who can identify with my feelings and share the same fear of ever being in this, frankly impossible, situation - which in the stillness of night almost brings me out in a cold sweat.


  1. I thought about this for a little bit and came up with something. Let's say your position at the top of the tower represents the bad situation you have with your drunken downstairs neighbor. You are in this bad position, both at the top of the tower and with having to live above your bad neighbor, and you can't stand it. You are riddled with fear to the point of inaction.

    Your pain-in-the-ass neighbor is in your waking dream literally as a pain in your ass, between your balls and bum-hole. You feel like you only have two choices...stay there and do nothing, which you can't stand to do any longer, or you can "throw yourself off" (confront your neighbor) which you fear will lead to a terrible result.

    Ray my friend, may I suggest another alternative? It is quite passive. However, I don't think it would be very wise for me to write it in a public comment. If you would like to know more, email me.

  2. Very interesting thought indeed, Larry. (Really!) You could well be right. I'd not thought of this as a possible explanation though this particular fear has been with me throughout my life, but never quite as dramatic as this imagined situation has been. I had intended to incorporate an update on my rowdy neighbour - so for what it's worth, here it is. I must admit his disruptions have become less frequent, though when they do occur they are still frightful. I think he may have got at least a part-time job which is keeping him subdued for some of the time. Most weekdays he disappears (but with his dog!) between 9.30 a.m. and 15.30. I know that when he is rowdy during an evening/night then he won't be going out the following day. So there has been SOME improvement, though with still some way to go. I've still not yet met him, or even accidentally bumped into him. And if when this phase of my life is over I ever again hear 'Honky Tonk Woman', I'm going to puke!