Saturday 24 July 2010

Wallowing in premature self-pity?

Getting increasingly obsessed with things I want to do before it's too late - like travelling abroad again, particularly re-visiting those old European haunts I got to know so well when I had not only money but also the energy it required to experience them 'properly'. In addition I so much miss not having the means to go to the theatre regularly, particularly to London's West End when I used to see practically everything of note - great plays, big musicals, huge stars, immense enjoyment! Then there's all those books I've yet to read and re-read for maybe one last time, music to hear, all sorts of experiences to have.......
Now as I start to approach my 64th birthday in October I'm becoming terrified of suffering something such as a stroke which would incapacitate me physically while I frustratingly retain all these unfulfilled desires, a true living hell. Not only that, but because I've never had a true 'relationship' or even a single long-lasting deep friendship, there is no one around who would really care and I'd be left to the mercy of one or more carers with all their well-meaning (I hope), but synthetic, sympathy. Particularly heart-breaking would be the fate of my two dear pets. Of course all this is a 'worst case' scenario which may never transpire, but just the possibility of it happening is making life a worrying experience!


  1. Ray!! OMG!!
    Are you a member of any book-readers clubs, either online or real life? You may find similarly situated souls there you could be friends with.
    In the meanwhile, I'm sending you long-distance hugs. Can you feel them?

  2. Please go watch this video and listen to the words. It's from the movie "camp" and the message is this: every day is a chance to start a new journey. It's never too late. Our fears don't define us, they merely encourage us to be braver and stronger. You've assessed what you want and you've acknowledged your obstacles; now find a way and go do what you want to do.

  3. Yes, Larry. I do believe I CAN feel your air-hugs, for which I am very grateful. Just re-reading my blog a few hours after posting, it strikes me as very much a 'victim-mode' piece in which I'm complaining about being controlled by external circumstances - although I know deep down that one creates one's own world.
    No I'm not a member of a club of any description, largely because I've always had a reluctance about social interaction (though that wouldn't apply for internet groups, of course). 'Phobia' would be too strong a word. 'Nervousness' is closer. It's basically the fear of being hurt, maybe by a chance, off-hand, casual remark, that has always made me want to keep my distance. The odd inappropriate word, even when not intended to be hurtful, can cut so deep that I can't deal with it and it resonates for years, even decades, later. Similarly I am so afraid of inadvertently saying the wrong thing and offending the person I am with that I feel my entire speech comes out as gauche - only saying things that I think won't hurt, rather than saying what I really feel. The 'funniest' thing about this whole business is that I've often been told that I'm a relaxing person to be with, so somehow I seem to successfully conceal both the violent turmoil going on underneath as well as the exhausting mental effort involved to achieve this 'deception'. If only they knew!

    Sean, thanks for the video clip. I had to consciously override my aversion to seeing youngsters singing (though usually talking) and addressing adults on how life ought to be lived. (Very much a feature of American films, I find) But accepting that this is a frequent filmic 'conceit' I can see the wisdom of the words. Trouble is that I know it's true! The difficulty is in putting the philosophy into practice where it's so much cosier and safer to remain in one's shell. But thanks again for your generous thoughts.